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January 17, 2020

Just say it

say it praveen p gopinath

I got up in the morning hearing my phone ringing and in half sleep I went and took the phone. I realized that it was my mom calling as I have stored her name as ‘Amma’. I was surprised when the call came so early in the morning. When I picked the call, all I could hear was a woman crying out loud and trying to speak, but in vain. My heartbeat increased because the first thought that came to my mind was that something happened to my dad. Otherwise, there is no need for mom to cry so much and call me this early. My eyes teared up, and I ran to my parent’s home and started ringing the bell and kept violently knocking on the door. Mom and dad were sleeping peacefully. Dad came and slowly opened the door. He was surprised and gave me an angry look and asked what was wrong with me to wake them up so early on a Sunday morning. I was smiling and crying seeing him. I wanted to tell him that ‘Dad, I just wanted to see you breathe’.Literally, that was what I wanted to see. My dad breathing, talking, and calling out my name even if it is in anger. By then mom also woke up and came to the hall. I kept quiet and turned to my mom and asked her why she called me? She was totally confused, and I realized that she was sleeping. I said sorry to her and in total confusion came back home and checked my mobile to see who called me. That is when I realized that the person who called me was a dear friend whose name kind of rhymes with the word ‘Amma’ and she wanted to talk about her breakup as she was in so much pain. In half sleep, I read her name as Amma, and that is what caused the whole confusion. After she disconnected the phone, I was still in that shock, my heart was still beating fast. The incident once again gave me a warning on the uncertainty of life. People advice me to live calculated and conventionally. To lead a life with normalcy. But what they don’t realize is you cannot live a normal life, if we express every emotion we have. You will be judged. But then I am willing to take that risk rather than living with regrets.

I always live by the second, realizing the fact that, only that particular second is my certainty. I will express what I want to express as I don’t want to have the regret of not being able to apologize for the words that I told people that I wish I could take back, and most importantly, not being able to speak out the words I wish I could have spoken. I don’t go to sleep angry anymore. You never know if you or the person you are mad at will wake up the next morning. Shout and scream if you have to, but then vent it out completely, forgive, forget and have a closure because you never know if you will ever talk to them again. Things happen. Get over it. You may not feel satisfied, but it is better than knowing you will never get to say sorry, or I love you again. 

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